Kimberly Brimhall

in a hand basket...Diary of a sick girl: 5

“How
well
I
have
learned
that
there
is
no
fence
to
sit
on
between
heaven
and
hell.
There
is
a
deep,
wide
gulf,
a
chasm,
and
in
that
chasm
is
no
place
for
any
man.”

*Johnny Cash                                                                                       

i have spent to much time in the chasm.
allowing my life to be hell instead of heaven.
i have decided to not let this destroy me.
i choose.
i will no longer give power to hopeless
feelings.
i choose.
i have an understanding of how i have to live now.
i choose.
i recognize that the pity party should be over.
i choose.
i may not be able to choose what
happens to me...but i can choose how i react.
i can't choose another body.
but i can take care of the one i have.
so i choose heaven.
i will always choose heaven.

UPDATE: i have finally gotten some answers...

1. i have fibromyalgia
2. i have occipital neuropathy (which is something in my neck/ head)
3. i have an early onset of migraine disease

so at least i have names to things now and the trial and error process begins...so any suggestions...let me know.

i had no idea how many people had these same things until now...thanks for opening up and sharing all your stories with me...i can't list you all, but thanks for "choosing" to open yourselves up to a complete stranger.

so what to expect from me now:

i will be taking photos and painting and scrapping as my body permits.
i will not feel guilty when it does not.
i will be focusing on my family and my health...
but i have already started the wheels moving creatively.
i will be "making" and "capturing"...just on a more regulated level:)

again...thank for everything from everyone...this wonderful world of caring and creative women has inspired me to let go of my bitterness...which was created as a result of many different things.

but i choose. and i choose heaven. in everything.

how about you?  anyone else choosing heaven with me?

Diary of a sick girl: 4

Right now I sit here thinking I should be writing about my sickness..."catching people up if you will".

All I can think about, right now, in this moment, 8:47 pm on Monday August 14th...is that my little boy is starting kindergarten in two weeks. TWO weeks...and I have let him down.

I have so many emotions whirling around me right now...I am trying desperately to get this out through tears and a massive headache.

I have always been someone who feels like time is always one step ahead and this is another occasion where I have simply ran out of time.

I had plans of hanging out at the pool or bike riding to the park...
Cuddling and playing "go fish" and racecars...
Moments of story-telling and question and answer...
My plans have not worked out it would seem.

Instead we have spent hours driving to Dr's and testing centers...
days when "mommy" just couldn't be fun...
moments when "mommy" just wasn't there.

Moments I'd like to forget...
My children seeing me taken by ambulance from the Denver airport.
Jaden sharing his birthday with a visit to the ER for mom.
Madi asking me if I'd be alive on her birthday...
and countless times they sat in the Dr's office waiting for results.

Moments I will never forget...
The precise moment I realized that life is too terribly short, that the ones that love me the most...are right here.
The endless moments I have realized who my real friends are.
The days and days of praying...and the gentle peace that finally came.

How do you let go of guilt you feel you shouldn't be responsible for?
How do you make up all the moments lost?
How do you keep a smile for them when you are scared inside?

I have finally answered those questions for myself...
You just let go.
You make better moments.
You just keep smiling.

So to the update:

I've had some major tests come back and they were good results for the most part. Right now the Dr's think I have fibromyalgia or a few other things but are still testing.
My days are getting better. Some are almost normal (minus the headaches) but some are a struggle (hopefully there will be less of these).

I will share with you some photos that Jaden took on one of the good days...
At 5 I am amazed at how easily photography comes to him. I am glad in the midst of this storm...we had some time together.

We were waiting for friends in Austin last week and he had the camera and my full attention and I had a moment where I felt time stop...literally.

This was one of the first full days I spent out of the house and it was fun...for us both:)

I guess I could show you the ones he took of the sky and my feet and the wall while trying to take these...but they are not great:)

I hope all of you are making your own special memories...

I have two weeks until my precious Jade is gone for 8 hrs a day...and I don't plan on wasting one minute of it.

I may not be able to erase the past month...but I can certainly make it a smaller memory by creating bigger ones.

Much love,

kb

time after time...

Her name is Sharon and she loves Law & Order and garage sales.
She says things like "ya know" "well I didn't know" and "oh uh huh" wayyy to much:)
She is a free spirited, southern girl, who should have been a California girl.
She could have been a model. She could have been a singer...She could have been a writer...but she was a mother.
A kind, gentle, three job working mother.
She doesn't like gossip. She loves new lotions, new furniture, and new magazines.
She buys wayyy to many pairs of flip-flops.
She is timeless.
She has the most beautiful smile.
She has the most beautiful soul.
She has the most beautiful grandchildren.
She won't push you...but if you push her...she will push back.
She dreams of owning her own home someday. Like country living, pottery barn dreams.
She has the attention span of a child, but also the spirit.
She has overcome poverty, hardship, cancer, injustice and cruelty with grace.
She is fun loving, unconditionally loving, true loving.
She never gives up...never gives in...never gives less than 100% of herself.
Her name is Sharon...She likes Law & order and garage sales.
I call her my moma, my best friend, my hero.

I made this a while back...but had to wait until today...so HAPPY BIRTHDAY moma! Its in the mail!!!

The pages read:

I think of U: everytime I look in the mirror. I love that I look like you. Everyday I find myself being more and more like you...and that makes me smile.

I think of spring mornings out on the porch when the sun came up early and the sunlight sparkled through the trees... Just you, me and our cups of coffee...looking at Country Living magazines. i still have the image of you sitting in a metal chair, with one leg up like you were still 16. not a lot were said on those mornings, but they speak volumes to me now.

"well I didn't know" (you say that all the time)

When I hear: Creedance Clearwater Revival 80s music "I just called to say I love you" The Carpenters Elton John Fleetwood Mac I think of you.

When I pass the clearance isle in Walmart...when I buy another pair of flipflops.

I think of you laughing at yourself...which makes everyone laugh...at you and with you. When I rearrange my furniture...again.

When I see decorating magazine piled in my living room.

When I get the punch line of a joke wayyy late...when I paint...when i hear the words "strong woman"

I think of you sleeping in my bunkbed all night when I was five and sick and scared...and you stayed right beside me...all night. 1986.

I think of a person who sees the world in 80s rose colored glasses.

Me a tutor?

well not really...but my first tutorial is up at Scrapinstyle today.

it's on how to make your own paper...not like by hand...but by design.

I made this paper on this layout using the ideas here. I was glad I had completed it before I got ill...I hope its useful:)

As for my health...Im still hanging in there...got a sinus infection on top of everything and now I am on antibiotics.

Yesterday was a hard day...Im hoping today will be better:)

Diary of a sick girl: 3

So the roller coaster continues...but the ride is getting easier.

I
am
ready
to
get
off
though:)

I had two tests from the cardiologists already...one was negative (yay)...one has not come back yet. two down four more to go. And 2 more Drs who specialize in different things (so confusing).

I
am
restless.

Thus the change to my blog (which I made with flair)...its the least physical demanding thing to do and I could not sleep last night. My dreams are nightmares these days...but I know they will change soon. I just know.

I
am
blessed.

I have so many cards and packages and gifts and calls daily (the fedex guy knows me by name now) ...its overwhelming in the BEST way.I am loved and I feel it. So thank you.

Time flies when you're having fun...

I have had a lot of time to think over this last month...and I have come to really see what's most important in life....my family. I think this sickness has created a time for me to make some changes...within myself and within my family...I feel soooo guilty that with everything going on with me I haven't been able to really be "present" with the kids birthdays...Madi turned 4 today and Jade turned 5 last week. So I made this little slideshow to remember the last year and how much happiness they have brought me. I am truly blessed. "My wish" is that they know how much I love them...forever.

I'll also take this opportunity to answer a question I have gotten a few times in the past... "Do you think you would get more done if you didn't have kids?" or "Do you think you would be more creative without kids?" My answer is No. period. When I had kids, I experienced a level of creativeness that comes when you are able to see things through the eyes of a child...when you are able to love more deeply than you could imagine otherwise...when you are able to see God's creation wake up every morning and tell you stories about Unicorns and Dinosaurs with rainbows and jungles and crocodiles. When life is all about cartoons and popsicles and learning to read. Of course they are time consuming...but the reward is so worth it...truly.

Ps. i went to the cardiologist today and I have 5 tests this week and next...so i will be absent once again:)

Pss. My webisode is up at SIS...Amy Tan is teaching me...and I am actually quiet for once:)

Something old...something new...

Im still hanging in there...only two days until I see the cardiologist...lets hope he can figure it out:)

but for those of you who are still making things (i envy you)...

A new prompt is up at The Art is Found...

I made this page before my sickness and it makes me happy to be able to share it...
I loved this print of John Lennon, who I believe is one of the best writers EVER.

And the prompt was to use a photo for the title...so the Beautiful is a photo from Chicago.

Im glad I did this page...it really helped me today.

Every day I gain a little more hope:)

Thanks to everyone who is part of that "little more"

Love you. Love me.

Diary of a sick girl: Day 2

Thank you for THIS and THIS and THIS
and THIS
and THIS
and THIS

and THIS !

Diary of a sick girl: Day 1

I am going to see a cardiologists to have my heart tested soon...but until I get better, I have decided to document my feelings on my illness...sorry but I am not a "just show the good" kinda girl...this is my therapy:) So for a while...my posts will be out of character or at least "out of my online character".

Out of character...

I am sick...really sick
I am tired.
I am sick and tired.
I am scared.
I am lonely.
I am confused.
I am desperately wanting answers.
I am sad.
I am praying a lot.
I am longing.
I am weak.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I am thinking a lot.
I am really sick.

I am sorry I can not write more...I am back from Utah...now I am going to see more doctors...for more tests...and I am wavering in my hopes that they will fix me. I hope that fades. I am trying so hard just to survive right now. I miss this place. I miss being able to create things.

Pray for me, or cross you fingers, or send good vibes.

Love, me

Ps-vivian...thanks for the nomination on your blog...as soon as I am up to it...I will make my nominations:)